It's been a horrible horrible horrible day. The worst kind because it started off so well.

I'll write when I can do it without snarling.

Well, it's been a couple days since I posted...

But, hell, I only have three followers anyway! (that was a sarcastic/amused tone, I swear).

First things first, I am starting to feel a lot better since I started my meds again (on 12/26). A lot. Of course, I am sure it also helps that I haven't had any booze since then either.

Second, I seem to already have lost about three pound since I started my meds (and not drinking). Seems like the adderall has put a stop to my mechanical arm. And I am sure missing out on those 100+ calories per drink is helping too!

I was sober on New Years, and was sober at my most recent drinking/running group (sounds like an oxymoron, but it is really fun). I digress, I was surprised how much fun I had despite lacking a beer jacket, constantly amused/ditzy personality, and wobbly gate! Who knew?!?

And finally, an update on my painting. As I said before — at least I think I said it — I am working on a painting that is completely and only about my mental history (ahh, what a painting). Currently it is pretty gory and depressing looking (on of the reasons I don't want to post an image of it) but I know that it will change a bit because this is just an underpainting (the other reason why I don't want to post anything).

Ok, this is the real finally, I swear. I am a bit dismayed that I haven't found any useful tips on organization etc. All of them seem to be pretty inane/impossible. For example, apparently everyone is supposed to get only wireless electronics (computer, printer, internet, etc) because it gets rid of excessive chords. Oh yeah, super plausible! Another one was to go through your closet and organize things into piles: keep it, donate it, toss it. Yeah, like that will work. For every item of clothing I have I can come up with ten reasons why I should keep it even if it doesn't fit/has holes/is faded/has stains. That is why I have three boxes and bags of clothing that either doesn't fit, has holes, is faded, or has stains.

Alas, life goes on. Here's to it going well for me...and going especially well for you!

F*ck planning and sketching paintings

Before I put it to canvas. I am gonna rock it de Kooning style. Abstract expressionism? Yes, please.

I am definitely going to post pictures in progress for you all. And by all I mean the three of you. Hey, maybe my mom will start following me too. That would be four...only double plus 2 and I'd be in the double digits! Oh yeah...

*This is perhaps de Kooning's most famous piece. It's called Woman I.

I think emoticons make people look stupid...

...unless of course you type with them. Then they are very intelligent. Only MENSA people use emoticons!

Same thing goes for abbreviated words and phrases (stfu, lol, nsfw, brb, etc). But again, maybe it's a MENSA thing that I am too stupid to understand. Just maybe...

Ok, I had a nice little panic attack...

And I think I can handle this school stuff via one of the great lessons that I learned from my therapist (we'll call her Elle)...Compartmentalizing!

So I am breaking this huge pile of shit (and yes, again I do mean shit) into handle-able little nuggets.

1. Go to old university, try to talk with the transportation director and ask if he can reduce the cost because a. I had to leave school abruptly and not on the best of circumstances and b. I never received any bill (even though they supposedly gave the info to a collection agency) thus I didn't know they were accruing interest.

2. Pay ticket fees (hopefully discounted) and get an unofficial transcript.

3. Figure out what classes transfer and what my cumulative g.p.a. is.

4. Get letters of rec to help prove that I am, in fact, a good and honest student.

5. Write an email and letter to the admissions director of new university explaining (and apologizing for) everything.

6. oh yeah, and cancel the other school to which I applied so I don't have to do all this twofold.

Alright...somewhat small nuggets. Although it doesn't really help to see the long list. Oh well, I don't really have any other options (unless I want to transfer at 25 and graduate by 28). Sheesh.

And I promise, this is the last rant...at least for a while!

Well that's just great!

Soooo, after years of not finishing classes (because of my lovely mental issues) at one university, I finally learned how to succeed after spending some time at a city college. And, Alas, I am finally ready to transfer...or so I thought.

It seems that though I got less that a 1.0 at the university it is a big no-no to omit schools in your application. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But let me explain. Due to my 'issues' I had to leave school abruptly (that kind of things happen when you can't get out of bed for a few months) and thus I never paid the 7(!) parking tickets I accrued. So now, I have to write letters to the Admissions people at my — hopefully new — university, pay the $480 (yes, $480) in parking fines, and see if after transferring credits (both decent and horrible) I am still eligible to transfer.

Damn it, it took me a long time to gain the perspective that life is life, and it is pointless to be mad that I didn't get a diagnosis early enough to actually be able to do university, and high school, and junior high, and elementary school. And now, after fighting to learn not to be angry about my lost years (many many years), I realize that this shit — and I angrily do mean shit, f*ing shit — this issue that has affected my entire life so far will also impact my academic future.

This post is totally and completely a rant.

Oh yeah, I also have to drive 45 minutes to argue with the transportation director to, hopefully, reduce my fines. Because I am a student damn it...a poor jobless student. And get my transcript because they can't give you ANY information over the phone. None. None at all.

Ok, rant over. Well, not completely, but I'll stop talking about it here. Downers are no fun.

Hope your week is better than mine, infinitely better!

love,
Debbi Downer

One of my favorite quotes from East of Eden, one of my favorite books

"I guess this personal hide-and-seek is not unusual. And some people are 'it' all their lives — hopelessly 'it'"
     -Lee

A kick in the face

At least that is what it feels like when work on a drawing for about 6 hours, until it's ready to project, only to realize that I don't have the correct size canvas...and the art store is closed...and I can't afford the $50+ canvas anyway.

Sometimes I feel like life doesn't want me to succeed. That no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, things don't work out for stupid reason (ie. I should have checked my stock of canvases first).

But I feel like screaming. It's all bullshit. I just want to be able to finish — to succeed — and damn it, it seems like no matter what I do — no matter how much effort — I can't.

And, as the cycle usually goes...now I feel like doing absolutely nothing. "If this is how it works out I might as well not try." I know that is a horrible attitude, but I think I will just slink into bed with my cat and watch a couple of Eddie Izzard specials.

Oh shit, I need to put away the projector because I will trip over it, take all of my laundry off my bed, fold it, put it away and change my sheets.

I guess it's just one of those days.

Famous people with ADD

Let me preface this by saying that I got this list from www.associatedcontent.com. Therefore, I leave the accuracy of the list up to them.

And because I am an art major — and ADDers tend to be über creative, here are the artists first.

Famous Artists
Pablo Picasso, Ansel Adams, Vincent Van Gogh, Salvador Dali
*I personally suspect da Vinci

Famous Authors
Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Leo Tolstoy, Robert Frost, Edgar Allen Poe

Famous Inventors
Henry Ford, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, Orville Wright, Wilbur Wright, Alexander Graham Bell

Famous Musicians
John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Cher, Buddy Rich, Beethoven, Mozart, Handel

Famous Actors
Will Smith, Jim Carey, Tom Cruise, Sylvester Stallone, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Henry Winkler, Patty Duke, Bill Cosby

Famous Athletes
Michael Jordan, Bruce Jenner, Magic Johnson, Nolan Ryan, Terry Bradshaw, Babe Ruth, Greg Louganis, Vince Lombardi, Pete Rose


Famous Business Tycoons
Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Malcolm Forbes, Andrew Carnegie, William Randolph Hearst, Henry Ford, FW Woolworth, Walt Disney

Famous Hollywood Movie Directors
Steven Spielberg, Alfred Hitchcock

Famous Politicians
John F. Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Dwight Eisenhower, George Bush, Anwar Sadat, Winston Churchill

*And I have no idea how they diagnosed the people who died before ADD was recognized. But if that puts me in the same category as Dalí, Frost, Beethoven, and Churchill...I'm okay with that!

A shameless plug

I am trying to be truly honest about all of the facets of my life impacted by my ADD. I hope it help others because at least they will know that there is someone else suffering because of — and hopefully succeeding despite of — my "disability."

Alas, please pass the link onto anyone you know that you think might benefit from my ramblings. I really try to offer real life personal information and tips that I have learned while not preaching.

So, because there are so many disadvantages of having ADD I will leave you with two positives: those with ADD tend to excel a under pressure that makes "normal" people crumble, and we tend to be far more creative.

I heard the metaphor that those with ADD are standing at the edge of the cliff and it is those people that impact the world. Mediocrity doesn't change anything. As long as we learn not to fall of the edge we have better odds of improving the world in ways the "normal" and average people can't.

Ahhh, weight loss continued...

One thing I have learned from my wonderful therapist (oh by the way, I don't think that many people think that they can try out a lot of therapists. Personally I tried about 8 therapists and 5 psychiatrists before I found ones I really liked and eventually trusted — I sat silently during my first 6 months of therapy sessions just to gain trust because damn it the first thing you shouldn't say to a bipolar during a dip is "Do you want to kill yourself? Why do you want to kill yourself?)

Okay, tangent over, back to my point. One thing I have learned is that ADDers are pushed by success. We will continue something if we form a healthy rut, and succeed by using it. This is generally because we had low self-esteem in our formative years — you're lazy, you're stupid, why can't you jut do it like everyone else, etc..

So I really hope that between my healthier eating, minimal excercise, and lack of alcohol, I will noticeably lose weight at a healthy rate.

So here it is, I am being more open than most women about my weight (eek), because being public about weight loss generally makes you stick to your plan better...

I am 5'3" and now 151 lbs. That makes me just a bit above the healthy weight and range of bmi. The healthy weight range for someone my height is somewhere in between 104 and 140 lbs. My bmi is roughly 27 and it should be between 18 - 25.

Though I was living so unhealthy (and overusing/misusing my ritalin or whatever meds I ws on at the time) I was happiest at my weight of 120ish during my freshman year of university. And I think that will set a goal of about that weight. I hope to lose it by the reasonable date of July 30th.

Though this blog is about ADD I think that I will add a bit of information about my success, specifically how taking my meds while getting healthier affects my symptoms.

And by the way, from experience I have learned that yoga is really good for depression (if you can get out of bed) and especially ADD. I like vinyasa yoga the best because you flow from pose to pose, it doesn't really matter how well you are doing the poses (as long as you do it accurately enough to not injure yourself), and it gives you time to think and reflect while still being distracted by the poses. And if it is a good class it is completely judgmental free because everyone is purely focusing on themselves and their thoughts. I would recommend staying away from bikram because they pump up the heat and every pose is done exactly in the same order every time so it doesn't really condone personal reflection and calmness. I would also stay away from classes at gyms, the teachers are generally not trained as yoga teachers and the general mood seems to be more about how skinny you can get rather than how healthy — body AND mind — you can get. Though that is one humble personal opinion. And if you go often enough (2-4 times per week?) it becomes — ta da! — a healthy rut.

So that's my two cents...and to the few readers I have, really do let me know if you think that documenting my turn toward healthiness is detracting from the personal rants and confessions of living with ADD and you think I shouldn't talk about it anymore.

Good luck with your resolutions. Try to set realistic goals, and most importantly, I hope you have an infinitely wonderful year!

New Year, New Post

I think I mentioned that I am back on my meds. Well, since I have gone on and off them so many times (bad crazy person, baaaaad crazy person) I seem to be having more side effects than I ever did before. I am amazingly tired (bipolar meds) even though I am taking adderall too. I have been a bit moody and short tempered (although that's a symptom of bipolar II anyway). I've been having some odd physical reactions to anxiety that I assume is exacerbated my the adderall. I think I mentioned that before too (impulsed to shut my throat as I am exhaling. It only feels better when I hold my breath, but let's be serious if I suffocate I won't be able to write this anonymous and hardly followed blog).

So, I wrote all of that to get to my real point. Because I am having those side effects — and am trying to lose the weight that I gained from overeating as a side effect of ADD sans meds — I offered to be the designated driver on New Years Eve. Wow, it's really not that much fun. I am surprised that I didn't really mind not drinking. I got free soda all night, saved a lot of money, and had the absolute 0% chance of getting a DUI. It was the company and general population that was doing my fun time in. I really did have a lot of fun as everyone was getting drunk, and I really did have fun while everyone was drunk, it was just that hour or so where everyone was sloppy! Falling on me, stepping on my feet, spilling drinks on my feet, pushing me, harassing me about the weather, the walk to the car and the lack of available food. But I do really love my friends. And I am really glad that they had fun — especially because when I get drunk I am that sloppy. And I am really happy that people didn't drive home because of me and my super-soberness.

So here's to my personal New Years resolutions: staying on my meds even if I feel I don't need them anymore, and losing my "automatic arm" overeating weight.